Being the only mother

Fertility Seminars

In egg donation, the mother-child bond starts growing from the very beginning of pregnancy, the same way it happens in any other mother-child relationship. You nurture your baby with your body throughout all the weeks and months of pregnancy, and it is your womb that keeps it safe. No wonder egg recipients regard themselves as the baby’s only mother, because they have mothered their child since it was too tiny to be seen with the naked eye.

As the gestational mother (the person who carries the baby), you interact with your baby both before and after the birth. There is an enormous amount of physical and social contact involved in caring for a child. All aspects of day-to-day communication strengthen the bond. It is no wonder that egg recipients regard themselves as the baby’s “true” mother, because they have mothered their child since it was too tiny to be seen with the naked eye. Furthermore, each person is formed not only through biological links to his or her parents but also by the time, environment and relationships in which he or she grows up.     

I am familiar with discussing these issues. I find that once my patients succeed in getting pregnant, the rush of love they feel for their future child tends to supersede all other concerns. The mother-child bond develops as the baby grows within you, and the excitement of feeling your child kick in your womb is just like that of any other mother. You nurture your baby with your body throughout all the weeks and months of pregnancy, and it is your womb that keeps it safe. Once the baby is ready, you go through the unforgettable experience of giving birth too. If you choose and are able to breastfeed, this can strengthen the emotional bond. As far as the baby is concerned, you are its mother and the person whom it will grow to love.

What do my patients report about being mothers after egg donation?

 

There is one conclusion only: it was worth it! I’ve been the mother of a wonderful daughter since last summer. Everything that happened before and after became relative.

…I often completely forgot everything around me breastfeeding my baby. This is the time just between my little girl and me and I really enjoy breast feeding. The feelings I have while breastfeeding come closest to the experience I had when I was carrying my baby inside of me.

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After all, we had already enlisted other people’s assistance before, when trying to create life. My wife needed “jumpstarting” and the baby would be our own flesh and blood afterwards.

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I can honestly say that from the moment he was born we have never felt so much joy and happiness, when we look at him we still to this day cannot believe he's ours after so many years of longing for a baby.  I feel the proudest Mummy in the park as I push him around and when people stop and say what a beautiful little boy he is and how much he looks like me, I smile and secretly laugh.

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So to me we are  more than our genes. Reincarnation was also helping me… to act firmly and be open to the new technology that seemed strange at first thought. It helped me to overcome some hesitation and seeing it as a chance to meet someone connected to me and my man. Life is to me essentially consisting in social relations to other people. …

Of course I also had help from the fact that all my life taken care of the children of other women, the children of my previous husband and that helped. Since I had strong feelings for those children, I had also no doubt that feeling a child growing inside of me would  become completely mine and my husbandґs emotionally and spiritually…

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I had a (naturally conceived) son of 9. I had our baby (after egg donation) two days before I was 46.  … And I can tell you there is No difference in my feelings for my two boys — not at all. Now we have the most lovely baby-boy, he is 4½ months old. I do not think we will go for another baby because of my age but I am sure we had done that if I had only been 42 - 43 today.

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There is this cute little baby with big wide eyes and a button nose lying right beside me and beaming at me. …at first there was a note of irony in my voice when I said: “SHE TAKES AFTER ME”. We also exchanged knowing glances when someone else said that the kid resembled me.  But in the meantime, I am delighted to discover new similarities every week and I’m no longer conscious of the fact that a fairy godmother took a hand in all of this right at the beginning.

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...I saw the two amniotic cavities. It’s impossible to describe that feeling – it’s simply beyond words and the moment I knew about them I loved them. As the weeks went by, I felt more and more optimistic that I would be holding my babies in my arms someday. That was the best decision I ever made and I am so grateful and happy that these two children have become part of my life. 

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In January my dream came true, I gave birth to the most beautiful boy!  he's everything I wanted and wouldn't change him for the world. Seeing my baby grow and develop each day gives me so much joy.  It has changed my life completely, he brings us so much happiness! 

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I had a friend who had just had a second child, a gorgeous baby girl, from egg donation in Spain at 47 years old. Her first, a boy, was natural and she reassured me that her feelings for the girl were exactly the same as her little boy. “After carrying a baby for 9 months, it's totally your baby,” she told me…

I will never forget the positive pregnancy rnd_test, at 43-years old, and the joy of my 12-week scan showing a baby sommersaulting on the screen. My husband and I both cried with joy.…the pregnancy was very straightforward and surprisingly enjoyable; waking up to baby hiccups in the morning and kicking feet is incredible. I gave birth (Dec 2010) via C-section… It was all perfect, my husband was there next to me and I was awake throughout with an epidural. She was a big, 8lbs 7oz, baby and looked like her father. The bonding was instant. 

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Every morning I can hear my daughter’s laughter coming from her room, it wakes me up and I’m overjoyed. She is one-and-a-half years old by now, fit as a fiddle and pretty as a picture.
…This child is mine through and through and I don’t give it a moment’s thought that she’s not mine genetically. She even looks like me when I was little. I carried her under my heart for nine months and loved her right from the very first second.

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…two healthy children, one girl and one boy were born. We love them above all. And we like to think there was a reason that these two beautiful children came to us. 

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I was so excited when my gynecologist did the rnd_test. Both embryos have survived and were growing in my womb. This was the beginning of a deep love and affection, given that I no longer was expecting one child but two. … I don’t know her (the donor) and that’s perfectly alright, because the twins are absolutely mine. 

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My lovely beautiful son is more than I could ever wish for. He brings so much joy and has given me a new dimension in life.

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Here I am today with a wonderful ten months old boy – he couldn’t be any cuter. My greatest dream in life has come true, and it has been worth everything. Although motherhood is demanding I would say it goes deeper and is more rewarding than I thought beforehand...

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Nine months later a wonderful little girl was born. She is the most beautiful thing we have ever seen. She is turning one now and everything is fine with her. Every time we lay our eyes on her we realize how blessed we are, she is a gift!

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“You are not the most common pregnancy, but you are not the only one.” My pregnancy was wonderful it was heavy but I was not having any problems typical for pregnancy.

I felt wonderful.  Our angels come in week 36 (when I was 51). A beautiful girl and a beautiful boy. She was 3.67 kg and he was 3.05 kg.

Our happiness to become parents is so overpowered that it is difficult to find the worlds for it and I do not  want to give words for it. I just want to enjoy it. Until now it has not been any specific problems with being parents in our age. 

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The girls are now ten months old. They are almost always happy and also seem to appreciate each other. They are both healthy and growing at a tremendous rate. Not a day goes past when we don’t say to each other how happy they make us. They are the best thing that has ever happened to us!

The only thing we know about the donor is her height, weight, eye colour, hair colour and education. But whoever she is, judging by our lovely girls, she must be fantastic! 

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Our little baby girl was finally born in springtime this year 2011. She cried vividly the moment she saw daylight, and was in excellent condition from this very beginning ! We stayed in the hospital for 4 days. At first it felt quite unreal, but after 2-3 days I suddenly and completely fell in love with her – and have been so ever since !

To become the mother of our little daughter is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced – almost impossible to try to explain. It is just wonderful to take care of her and we are having the most wonderful time together. We feel so lucky. Thinking back, I remember my concern that I would not feel that this is “my baby”. But now, when my little girl is 4 months, I can honestly assure that I have only felt pure happiness. My little miracle is absolutely “my baby”, maybe even “more so” since it has required such an effort to get her…. Of course, I will always be aware that the egg she is made of did not come from my body, and that she will not inherit any of my features. But I feel completely comfortable with that. I will be the only mother she will ever have, and I will try to be the best mother I can. And I believe I will be as important for her as any mother can possibly be.

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All the while I had these nagging thoughts about the baby not really being mine and felt sad that the baby would not look like me, but I needn’t have worried, when I held my beautiful baby boy in my arms for the first time and every time after that, this baby could not be more mine. The overwhelming feeling of love that I have for this baby cannot be put into words. I have never been so in love. He is everything and I even have people telling me how much he looks like me. He is now 5 months old and I cannot wait to get started on project number two.

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Since I have two children, one made with my own eggs and the other with donor eggs, I can say that for me there is no difference in my emotional attachment to my children. The only thing that's different about my son is that he is at an age where everyone is very concerned about who he resembles. Sometimes I wonder what the donor looks like, and sometimes I wonder if I should have known more about her and her family's health. These are minor details compared to the big wonder it is to have and raise a little human being.

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Today some people who don´t know Anna´s story actually say: Oh, she looks so much like you! I think they see what they expect to see. I know she doesn´t have any of my characteristics genetically, but over time she´ll probably copy my facial and bodily expressions and she might come to look a little like me over time. I think she looks like her dad and that makes me happy. I´m glad that she´ll be able to look at him and know why she has a charcteristic nose and a beautiful mouth. And I´m glad that she´ll know that she is a very much wished child and that I love her deeply. 

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I have no regret of letting go of my genes for the sake of motherhood. Some days I have a feeling I do not seem to reach fully out to my son and I feel that we are still getting to know each other – that he can see right through me and knows our shared story. But this is all in my mind and I believe that some mothers irrespective of donation have felt doubt in their roles. It is a learning curve to be a parent…

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